my one and only work rant...

Okay I realize blogging about your job is a BAD idea. Which is why I have only done it once and did not mention my company. Although my job offers MANY entertaining things to blog about, I'm just not going to go there.... but today..... today, I absolutely have too or my little blonde head might just explode all over my blah, tan, cubicle.

I love my job, I really do, but there are some people and some days that make me want to walk away.... or go to happy hour with my girlfriends and drink eight martinis. I prefer option two.

1. No one wants to hear you talk on your cell phone while we are using the restroom... does that person really want to hear you flush? SERIOUSLY?? I don't even want to hear you flush. I don't want to hear you EVER.

2. Use your indoor voice while talking on the phone in the cube farm. Actually why don't you just try using your indoor voice inside PERIOD? Again... no one wants to hear you yell at your _________(insert anyone) on the phone, or scream or laugh loudly when we are trying to concentrate on blogging, I mean working.

3. Why would a 21 year old male with short hair have the need to keep a huge can of hairspray on his desk which he uses approximately five times a day... his sprays last an average of 10 seconds, I have started counting... so I know. At least get some Aveda or something that doesn't smell like cheap cologne because it wafts over the cube wall and settles into my air space.

4. WHY DO YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS? ARE YOU ALWAYS YELLING AT ME? DO YOU NEED MORE ATTENTION? WHYYYYYYYY?

5. If you are legally blind, admit it, stop parking in the handicap spot and running into people in the hallway and knocking their crutches out from under them and running into doorways! Admit you have a problem and we will actually be sympathetic, because the longer you deny it, the more annoyed we get.

6. Do not, under any circumstance, walk by someones cubicle and at LEAST once a day slam your huge monkey hand down on their desk and just keep walking. I don't' know if you realize this or not, but every time you do this to my desk I want to jump out of my seat and attack you from the back like a lemur on crack... I am small but wiry.

7. Do not sing to Maroon 5 loud enough for the entire cube farm to hear on Monday morning while listening to the morning show. I don't' care how great of a singer you think you are... No one, and I mean no one, wants to hear that.

8. Stop clipping your gross dirty fingernails at your cubicle desk, at least take that nastiness to the bathroom.

9. When sitting next to someone during an hour-long meeting do not slurp your coffee... for the entire hour. Ummmm... it never ends well. Don't you see the glares? OH no, you probably don't, since your eyes are glazed over thinking about how pretty you are today.

10. If there is one thing you learn in your job, those of you in cyperspace reading this, learn this, there is absolutely a difference between the I.T. guy and the Web girl... and we hate nothing more than when you come to one of us thinking we can fix your problem when in fact:
A) I'm totally I.T. stupid and
B)The I.T. guy has no idea what I do and how I do it.

MOVE. YOU'RE WELCOME.

11. You are not my friend. I have a large group of friends whom I turn to in times of need, and joy, and that I talk too, and share things with... you are not a part of that group, and I have several good reasons for why that is. So stop prying! Talking at work is so 2001.

12. Stop attempting to, and pretending, that you can do my job. I have taken classes and spent a year busting my butt to figure out how to get everything to work efficiently. I know what people want to see on websites... I didn't get a masters degree fo' nothin'. I didn't take hours and hours of communication and media theory just to pull stuff out of my bung-hole. I didn't teach myself web analytics just for fun! I know my stuff. So back off.

13. If I looked pissed, I am pissed. And most likely it's because you have procrastinated and done something that will make my working life a living hell for the next day, so if you do this and you know it... bring me Starbucks. It's the only peace offering that will quiet the Tiger.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

The Tiger is disgruntled today, Monday I will come in hugging everyone telling them how much I missed their fingernail clipping, loud annoying laughter and talking, obnoxious bathroom phone calls and coffee slurping selves and that I'm SOOO glad I'm back.....