Monday, June 14, 2010

my running.

I had a little "Come to Jesus" meeting with running Friday night. We've been swapping blows like nobody's business the past few years. Running would punch me in the gut, I would backhand it in return, and not to be outdone and always having to have the last word, running would then straight up sucker punch me. I was sitting on my front porch watching my dog run around the yard (read: waiting for him to poo) Friday night around 11p. I love doing this, not watching my dog poo, sitting on my front porch alone at night in the summer. I wouldn't say I had an epiphany, but I was sitting there and I kind of realized I have been making myself crazy and miserable in regard to running. No. I have been making myself crazy. Period.

I felt burnt out and defeated by my inability to accept the runner that I am. Someone prone to injury, who wants to get better and be better, but just can't do it. So I sat there on my porch watching my dog poo with tears rolling down my face in frustration and fatigue from all of it. And decided something needed to change. I give, FINE win. I am done being frustrated and pissed off about it. It just isn't worth it anymore. And yes, I'm fully aware that
a) i am crazy; and
2) i'm totally dramatic
I'm sure in the future I'll still get frustrated and pissed at running, I'll have ups and downs, but I think it will be different now. My running is what it is. And it will be whatever it's meant to be. Like I said. I give. But no, that doesn't mean I'm giving up.

So. To make a longish, drawn out, drama-filled story mostly short. I did the unthinkable (do you see a theme here lately, me doing unthinkable and shameless acts). I got on my laptop, closed my eyes, held my breath and deleted all my running plans. Then I got to work this morning, and again, I closed my eyes, held my breath and deleted my running plans off of my work computer. I then whipped out my printed-off Hal Higdon 18 week training plan for Chicago, walked by a smoker's desk and stole their lighter (yeah, add crime to my crazy) went to our loading dock, lit that mother effing training plan on fire and threw it in the (mostly) empty dumpster and walked away. While walking down the hall I passed some smokers, I smiled and went about my newly liberated way. And two minutes later I heard some commotion and something about a fire in the dumpster. Well thank sweet baby Jesus I had slipped the lighter back on the smoker's desk and no one was the wiser. So a few minutes more and some WTF's later, problem solved. Innocent eye blink...blink blink.

Moving on. So here I am, 17 weeks out from the Chicago Marathon. No training plan, a foot that feels like what can be described as badly bruised from that stupid trail race, and a little hope that I can finish another marathon. Is this a good idea? I have no idea. What I do know is that I've tried training plans, I've run the training runs too fast and too hard, or too slow and too easy. No matter what, I get injured. In my opinion, what do I have to lose? The answer is nothing. So yeah, I'm being totally dramatic about this, but hey, the training approach didn't seem to work out so well for me the last two times around. And don't get me wrong, I'm sure I will in the future use training plans again, I am ridiculously organized and anal. My no-plan is to run based on how I feel. Yeah, that could be disastrous and dangerous. I don't always feel like running, but this just feels right for now. I have four days a week set aside now where I have various people I could run with if I want/need to, that is motivation enough for now. I'll probably just run what they are running as long as my body agrees. Then show up on 10.10.10 hoping I finish.

I realize there is a lot to be said about how I let running rule me, I realize I've been THAT runner. I really do. I'm not going to get into it anymore than that, though. It's just too boring to expect people to read the whole ugly, long, drawn out process of me being THAT runner. To me, it's clear how I've been and I don't like it. My hope in the end is that I don't let running make me crazy, that I stop being THAT runner, like a rabid lemur bouncing around, freaking out, throwing up and pooping all over everything. I just can't do it anymore. I realize this might be a new brand of crazy, actually it is. I'm okay with that. I'll keep you all posted on how this new approach goes, and hopefully leave the crazy... well THAT specific crazy behind. That's it.

And the whole fire-at-work thing: I made that part up. The rest is straight up truth.


abbi said...

I've been reading your posts for awhile now and they are always great. Good luck on your new no-plan...I think that's probably a great idea, run to enjoy and how you feel!

Indi said...

The minute the frustration and bad tears out do the fun times and good happy tears, its time to re-evaluate! Not that I've been running for long, but I think this is a good thing. Like you said what do you have to lose right?!! Just run to feel good and I'm 200% sure that the rest will come to deserves it more:) Hugs and see ya this weekend!

Marlene said...

Ahaha, you are hysterical with the fire. Totally had me going!!

I hope this works for you ... mostly that you can love running and remain injury free!

misszippy said...

Sorry to hear you so beaten down. sound pretty much at peace with your decision, so that's something. I hope it all works out for the best.

Lacy said...

take a breath and have fun again

Java Joggers said...

Your new no plan will probably end up being pretty refreshing... enjoy!

RunnuRMark said...

So what you're saying is that you're a crazy clepto pyro. Maybe I won't trick you into doing a nasty race...I'd hate to head back to the parking lot after the finish only to find my car in flames :)

The no-plan plan is THE hot new plan, right? I've certainly been enjoying it lately. And I'm feeling more satisfied and injury-free. I think you made the right move.

Hannah said...

I love you!!!!

Jesse said...

Sounds like no plan is the right plan for you right now.

lilmeg said...

I hear you! Training plans stress me out. HUGE. If I miss a run, there it is, staring me in the face. If I have an injury, it doesn't even blink at my excuse. I end up fighting with training plans and resisting against them. We don't just bicker, sometimes it comes to blows. I haven't murdered one yet...but I can see why you did :P

I was thinking about you in KC! HOLY RAIN for you guys. And humid heat! No wonder you fight with running so much. I'm amazed that you run at all.

Good luck! :)

Miranda said...

Good luck and hope things go well!

onelittletrigirl said...

I think I need to take this as advice. First my hip, now my calves and some planter fascititis crappola and I feel like I just can't get better! Maybe I just need to accept that what will be will be too. Que cera huh???

Mel -Tall Mom on the Run said...

LMAO!!! Lemur, really??

Dumpster fire sounds like an episode on a comedy show.. atleast you put the evidence in clear site on someone elses desk.

Soooooo I think that you did the right thing. I also think that you can have a plan to FINISH and be pain free. The Plan you ask?

Run 4 days a week, quality not quantity. One day would eb a mid-long and the other a long run. Go by feel and for fun.. And you WILL make it.

hang in there my CRAZY poo-watching friend.

KBam said...

That's awesome! I think it's amazing that you know yourself as well as you do. If training without a plan feels like what you need to do this time around, it probably is. You know what you need to do to be ready for the marathon, and the most important thing (in my mind, anyway) is to enjoy the process. If you don't get joy from running, that's when you need to reevaluate it, which is what you've done. (That's not to say that I enjoy every minute of every run - whoever does that clearly isn't actually running.)

Best of luck!!!

Irene said...

Sometimes letting go can be a good thing. It's not like your a newbie at this, either. Perhaps having a non plan will give you new perspective, and you'll come up with your own.