Monday, March 26, 2012

absent.

Taking a week away from the blahgesphere was necessary last week. I just came out of what had to have been one of the roughest weeks I've had in my life to date. I don't even know how to put all of it in words. Except there has been heartache and struggle, more tears than I could begin to count, yet blessings in all of the pain.

I'm not sure how best to explain it or talk about it. But my former brother in law (my sister's ex-husband) passed away from brain cancer last week. He was in the army. The cancer was discovered while he was serving in Afghanistan about 16 months ago. There is no amount of... anything... that can take the pain of his death away. He was a great guy, so much fun, he could be so full of life, so loving, so giving. Although imperfect, as we all are, he was a big part of our family for 14 years. His death has been harder on me than I could have imagined, even though I haven't seen him for four years. It doesn't matter. It's rough.

That was only one aspect to a rough week. The rest are private family matters that I can't discuss, and I'm not trying to be all mysterious. It's just a matter of family privacy. But there have been other events that have taken an emotional toll.

Another toll is something I have never spoken about here. It's my battle with infertility. That too has taken an emotional and physical toll on me and the Edder this week. Thankfully I had some tests done this week which came back normal. While that was good, it leaves more perplexing questions out there to be answered. More tests. More investigation. More waiting. And while you may be thinking, oh has she been trying a few months? The answer is we have been trying for years. And most of the time I can pick myself up. Rationalize all the reasons it's good we haven't had a baby and carry on with my day completely happy... last week I lost that ability. I don't know how much I'll talk about this on my blog, it's something I like to pretend doesn't exist. It makes it easier... somehow. But there it is. One of my secrets out there for the world to read. Ouch.

So my life crashed down a bit last week. And shockingly it had nothing whatsoever to do with my illness of depression. Could I get any heavier today?! Geez. Nope, probably not. But my blog and my writing is therapeutic for me. And my week last week was hell. But I have learned to let myself grieve, which I did and that has made all the difference.

For now I have to dust myself off, pick myself up and go and meet my family to attend a funeral.

I won't apologize for being honest. Or being a downer in this post. This is my life, real and raw and ugly and emotional. All I can say is that I know this week will be better, I am smiling, the tears are wiped away and I have a lot of amazing things to look forward to in my week. In the next month. And in this year.

Cheers to a good week interwebbers. And happy running. I will be doing my fair share of running this week. Thankfully.

8 comments:

Indi said...

I know nothing I can say will help much right now..but just know I love you and am there if you need ANYTHING!!! Hugs my friend!

Marlene said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss in your family. That is devastating.

Wishing you strength in the infertility battle - I hope you get some definitive answers (good ones) and that you will be able to move BEYOND infertility. I have a couple of friends who have been dealing with this for years. I won't say I know what it's like, but I have seen their pain and don't wish it on anyone.

Carolina John said...

It's amazing how much impact losing someone that you haven't seen in years can have. A few months ago I lost one of my favorite high school teachers and a business associate within a couple of days. I had only seen them on facebook for the last several years, but it still had a huge impact.

I completely understand where you are coming from on the infertility front. It took us 5 years and 2 rounds of IVF to get our first kid. I've only posted about it once: http://trainingsmoker.blogspot.com/2008/11/where-do-babies-come-from.html give it a read and it will make you feel better. It's not the kind of struggle I would wish on anyone.

I mean come on, crack whores get pregnant every day. So obviously the solution is for you to start smoking crack, right?

Laura Belle said...

sorry hon that you're going thru this! Any loss is a tough loss.
Time does make it hurt less. But waiting for that time to pass sucks the worst.

We've been trying too. not years. But just 6 months. I can't imagine. Hopefully everything will work out!

lindsay said...

i am so sorry to hear about your brother-in-law! i wish i knew what to say to help cheer you up :( i can't imagine the heartache you guys are going thru with the infertility. continue to do what works for you and your preferences (obviously so many people out there have their ideas as to what you should do). like carolina john said - it baffles me that teens and people on welfare (and crack whores) can get pregnant seemingly easily, yet such deserving people who would be amazing parents struggle. big hug to you. feel free to vent any time - here or via email!

2 Slow 4 Boston said...

I feel for you. You'll be in my thoughts.

Lisa said...

I'm sorry for your loss. :-(

WildChildT said...

HUGS:(