Tuesday, September 22, 2009

crutch monkey.

This is just for RunnerMark, who made the excellent suggestion that I write tips on how to have fun on crutches. He pointed out since it's mostly runners who read my blog, eventually a few of you will have the unfortunate fate of being on crutches at some point and time. So this is my gimpy gift to you fellow running-potential-to-be-on-crutches-blahggie buddies.

Some fun things only those of us on crutches can do, and fun things to do while on crutches. DON'T LET THE MAN KEEP YOU DOWN fellow crutchers:
  • A crutch monkey party trick is balancing on my crutches, i'm up to a good 10 seconds, that doesn't sound like long. But wait until you are on crutches friends, you will see, 10 seconds is darn impressive.
  • Mel at Tall Mom pointed out the glory of crutch swinging, to me this means that while crutching you pick up both feet and swing your legs forward, then take a crutch, then swing, so on and so on. I do this a lot at work.
  • The sheer joy of shoving a door as hard as possible because it has to be open enough to crutch through in time, it's gratifying. It's like a little game, I've had more than one door slam on me, and for those who witness it, they get a good laugh. I aim to please.
  • This is also gratifying, and only works if you have a nice chubby kitty. I love it when I'm greeted at the door by my chubby cat Frank who proceeds to headbutt my crutches and purr at them, he has a thing for them I think.
  • My current favorite is irritating Ed by using my crutches to purposefully knock things off of something, like papers of the desk he is working on, or magazines off the end tables. Hours of entertainment!
  • Another party trick I'm honing is the running in the air trick, yeah, I balance AND run. That's talent!
  • The last party trick is kicking, like I'm 50! I'm on crutches and I kick, and I punch because I'm on crutches!
  • Lastly, I am a pirate. Always a Pirate. The intern at work has requested I actually dress as a Pirate for Halloween, he will walk up behind me and be all "Arrrgghhhh." It's stupid but for some reason it makes me laugh every stinking time.
I know it makes me sound nuts, but once you're on those puppies for awhile, you miss them when you don't have them anymore. They were propped up on the couch the other day next to Ed's head and he was all... your crutches smell, not bad, but like rubber. This is true, and I'm admitting I'm crazy because I find the smell of my crutches comforting. I also enjoy having them to hang on when standing around talking to people.

I won't miss getting frustrated at all the a-holes who will walk out a door somewhere (like a restaurant) when I'm alone and just let it slam and walk on by... would it REALLY be that hard to wait two seconds and hold the door for me fat old engineer dude? REALLY? You and your aircraft industry badge can't burn one more calorie by holding that door a little longer. Thank you sirs. Because that happens A LOT. But in the end, it I will miss my little crutchies a bit. So here is a haiku, an ode to my crutchies:

You aid me to walk
Your smell is delightful crutch
I will miss you so

21 comments:

RunnuRMark said...

Oh, truly fantastic. Here's a couple of thoughts:

1) You can use your crutches for self defense - a swift upswing to the groin would disable most attackers.

2) Crutch cozies. OMG...I just came up with that on my own, but yes, there is a crutchcozies.com. I love the internet. The camo cozie is all you.

3) If I was Ed and you pushed my papers onto the floor, I would repeatedly throw stuff (magazines, pillows, food, etc) at your head and run away while you pitifully attempted to crutch after me...then I would laugh.

Don't get too attached to those things...you need to ditch them soon and get running. Oh, and I hope you enjoyed your eagle.

rachel said...

way to make the most of your crutch-tasticness! could you imagine milo in this?

she didn't learn any party tricks, but she did evoke some sympathy, as i'm sure you do. :)

rachel said...

and i totally dig the crutch koozies...definitely used them for ally.

woo hoo on a crutch-free life soon!

Mel -Tall Mom on the Run said...

HEhehe.. Nice to see taht your spirits have lifted..

Hey not interested in Thorlo socks. I SWEAR one day you WILL ein one of my Giveaways

RunnuRMark said...

Did you really not get my eagle email?? He is so spectacular...

Morgan said...

LMAO! Way to put a positive spin on an otherwise bummer of a situation!

RunToTheFinish said...

haha! I've only had to use crutches once for like a day after knee surgery then I was just too "tough" or stupid as a teen to use them

X-Country2 said...

I think Saturday was official "talk like a pirate day", so you are so en vouge.

Marlene said...

Haha, these are the best! Totally made me smile today. I wish I had read this when I was on crutches last year! (interestingly, that was a softball injury and NOT running related!)

B.o.B. said...

Ok so these are pretty much the MOST awesome things ever.

I'm 50! (Love me some Sally O Malley!)

At least you are having fun with them. I know it's probably very tough right now mentally but keep up the laughter.

What's a pirate's favorite drink?
Aaaarange Juice!

aron said...

haha love it :)

RunningLaur said...

ha, this is great! Esp the pirate, argh.

When I was on crutches a few months ago, we had a fire alarm go off at work and had to get down ~30 flights of stairs using the banisters as crutches. It was so tiring, but I knew no one else in my office would have been able to do it!

Irene said...

Dang. Fun with crutches! I had the sheer joy of a walker and a cane. OK, the cane was sort of cool and had similar experiences. It was like an extended arm or leg. I could shut doors or pet the dog without having to go the extra distance. LOL. The walker was a whole 'nother thing. The comments I got were "you're too fit/young for that thing -- What happened?!" My son suggested that we trick out the walker and put car fins and a horn on it... Thank goodness I didn't need it for that long!

lindsay said...

ooh i did some of these on the many times i was on crutches for rolling my ankle in basketball or soccer in middle/high school - "balancing" and swinging especially. 10 seconds, i bow down!

IzzyBubbles said...

This is way better than your mood the last time you were on crutches! I'm disappointed there's no mention of crutches and drinking or crutches and chipotle...surely crutches have something to do with drinking and chipotle, right?

Britt said...

Omg - These are great! My favorite one.. "Your smell is delightful crutch". No kidding! Oh, and the pirate one. ;)
I'm glad to see a sense of humor in this whole thing! :)

Oz Runner said...

ha ha...great list...how long do you have to be on crutches? the steroid seems to have fixed up my foot and i hope to start running again this weekend...

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

I'm totally laughing out loud at your list of things to entertain yourself while on crutches. Glad your humor is still in tact. :-)

Irish Cream said...

Okay, what are you doing fooling around with that silly running thing? You should totally start some kind of national crutch balancing league . . . you've got skillz, girl! 10 SECONDS?! Very impressive! You'd be like the MVP of the whole league!

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