absent.

Taking a week away from the blahgesphere was necessary last week. I just came out of what had to have been one of the roughest weeks I've had in my life to date. I don't even know how to put all of it in words. Except there has been heartache and struggle, more tears than I could begin to count, yet blessings in all of the pain.

I'm not sure how best to explain it or talk about it. But my former brother in law (my sister's ex-husband) passed away from brain cancer last week. He was in the army. The cancer was discovered while he was serving in Afghanistan about 16 months ago. There is no amount of... anything... that can take the pain of his death away. He was a great guy, so much fun, he could be so full of life, so loving, so giving. Although imperfect, as we all are, he was a big part of our family for 14 years. His death has been harder on me than I could have imagined, even though I haven't seen him for four years. It doesn't matter. It's rough.

That was only one aspect to a rough week. The rest are private family matters that I can't discuss, and I'm not trying to be all mysterious. It's just a matter of family privacy. But there have been other events that have taken an emotional toll.

Another toll is something I have never spoken about here. It's my battle with infertility. That too has taken an emotional and physical toll on me and the Edder this week. Thankfully I had some tests done this week which came back normal. While that was good, it leaves more perplexing questions out there to be answered. More tests. More investigation. More waiting. And while you may be thinking, oh has she been trying a few months? The answer is we have been trying for years. And most of the time I can pick myself up. Rationalize all the reasons it's good we haven't had a baby and carry on with my day completely happy... last week I lost that ability. I don't know how much I'll talk about this on my blog, it's something I like to pretend doesn't exist. It makes it easier... somehow. But there it is. One of my secrets out there for the world to read. Ouch.

So my life crashed down a bit last week. And shockingly it had nothing whatsoever to do with my illness of depression. Could I get any heavier today?! Geez. Nope, probably not. But my blog and my writing is therapeutic for me. And my week last week was hell. But I have learned to let myself grieve, which I did and that has made all the difference.

For now I have to dust myself off, pick myself up and go and meet my family to attend a funeral.

I won't apologize for being honest. Or being a downer in this post. This is my life, real and raw and ugly and emotional. All I can say is that I know this week will be better, I am smiling, the tears are wiped away and I have a lot of amazing things to look forward to in my week. In the next month. And in this year.

Cheers to a good week interwebbers. And happy running. I will be doing my fair share of running this week. Thankfully.

six weeks to my goal race. creeping.

So. Six weeks to go to my supposed 'goal race' for the year. The more my calendar fills up with non-running related activities (like girls' weekends--i guess a few are running related, social events, yoga, beer brewing related stuff and brewery research, trips to san diego, montreal and the lake all within the next few months) the more I start to doubt I'll be able to fully concentrate and feel at peace running that half in April.

That said, my running is going pretty swell. I mentioned before my paces are creeping lower while I feel like I'm making less of an effort than ever before. Even still, I am creeping. Slowly. Toward maybe becoming a bit faster (at short distances only, natch). My easy running pace has gone from feeling comfy and easy at a 9:30 pace to feeling more than comfy and like I could run forever at a 8:45 pace. That said, I often hold myself back and slow down just to be safe. Then catch myself creeping lower again, it's a constant battle on my easy runs right now. Again, all for not wanting to risk injury.

But, I can hope this creeping is real and not going away. Time will tell. In fact during my speedwork yesterday I was doubting I'd be able to hit my pace on my 1 mile repeats. Fear of injury is always looming, breaking my running confidence. But yesterday I decided to just go for it, to give my goal pace a shot and see what happened. And you know what? I ran those repeats at a 7:30 pace and it felt awesome. I'm tempted to lower my mile repeat pace, and tempted to let myself run at my comfortable pace on easy and longer runs, but fear again is setting in. I don't want to get injured.


Thoughts, anyone?!

This is where I'm torn. My running is improving, creeping along into a faster pace, but I still feel like I'm not giving (and haven't given) my looming half marathon the attention it needs. I'm hitting maybe 20 miles a week. My focus is far more on yoga and cross training. My running almost feels secondary now, even tertiary, to almost everything in my life. Which is a complete change from how it used to be. Maybe with the pressure off and the ability to run free and happy it is actually helping. Who knows.

I'm clearly still in doubt about tackling my goal race in April. I have a feeling it will be a last minute decision. That I will wake up race morning and say yerp I'm gonna go for it, or shut the alarm clock off, roll over and go back to sleep. Honestly I'm not too concerned either way. Maybe it's better this way. I think I train better this way!

Decisions, decisions. And creeping.

Week Three Training: 
Monday - 6 Miles
Tuesday - Spin, Weights, Abs
Wednesday - 3 Miles
Thursday - 5 Miles Speedwork @ 7:30 pace, Hot Yoga
Friday - Off (birthday celebrations)
Saturday - 5K, Weights, Abs (planned)
Sunday - 7 Miles and Hot Yoga (planned)


In other news, I will be running a 5K tomorrow morning, decked out in full annoying Irish style all matchy with my girlfriends. I am supposed to be racing AP, a boy.... so I can beat him once and for all. Currently he is ahead by two races. Grrrrrrr. However, thanks to lack of training I'm not sure I'm ready to PR in this race. Especially considering I am plagued by my annual and horrendous spring allergies right now. My current 5K PR is from this race last year. So I may be tempted to give it a shot, or I may just run for kicks and giggles. I guess it will be one of those things where I wake up either ready to race, or ready to enjoy a race alongside my friends. I'll let you know!

Happy almost weekend, blahgesphere.

my faves: dr. dog

Dr. Dog has a new album out, called Be the Void. I've liked this band for quite awhile, but this new album sent me over the edge into full on swoony love. They aren't a stereotypical hipster indi band, their album and music is interesting and complex. And anything but typical. The more I listen, the more aspects I find to love. Plus, I really love the title of the album.

I just needed to share. So do yourself a favor, bring some good old fashioned interesting and entertaining listenin' into your life this week.

Thus ends my random totally unrelated to running or working out rant on music. Sometimes I just have to let my music 'nerdy' out. Continue with your day.

seven weeks to my goal race. and waffling.

Man, waffles sound amazing right now. Strawberry waffles. With a shiz ton of syrup. Maybe some bacon. And eggs. With hot sauce. Hey... I've never claimed to be the healthiest eater. I enjoy food. This is why I workout.

Moving on. So. My goal race, which was originally the OKC half marathon in April, has been switched to the Wichita half marathon. Switched for a number of reasons that I will not bore you with (mostly due to our summer travel schedule and out of fairness to the edder. look. i live with a lawyer. we are nothing if not fair in our house). OKC is out. Wichita is in. I live to battle OKC another year. I'm not worried about that. Meh and meh.

However, thanks to an injured knee in yoga, family, teaching schedule, work, desire to sleep and maintain a social life.... well.... running didn't go so well for a few weeks. Mostly it was due to my knee. Which again, I hurt in hot yoga, out of my own stupidity. And no I didn't fall. Just placed my knee down in the wrong spot during a lunge and CRUNCH. Ow. Anyway, running more than three miles would hurt so badly that I couldn't walk without a gimp for a few days. I decided to throw in the towel for awhile, set running aside and focus on yoga and cross training. Mission accomplished. But not so great when trying to train for my ONE GOAL race of the year. In which I plan to beat my PR by three minutes.

Usher in the waffling. I don't want to go into my ONE GOAL race this year under-trained and unable to meet my goal because I couldn't get the runnings that I needed to ensure a fantastic race. That being said, as of this week I seem to be hitting all my runs, my speedwork, my cross training and doing it knee-pain free. Which is awesome. Although it still doesn't give me the confidence that I can achieve my ONE GOAL race. Just yet anyway. Also, wow my legs are sore. But I love it!

I'm going to give it a few weeks, let myself inch up to doing 8 miles of speedwork (which will be two weeks from now) and assess it then. In the meantime I plan to stick to my training.... the long runs even. I'm that sicko who would much rather run balls to the wall doing 8 miles of speedwork rather than run 12 easy miles. I have realized that I have no patience for the long run. I just want to get my run in for the day. Run hard, sweat hard, leave it all out there and move onto everything else in my day. Judge all you want. BLEECHHHHH.That's all I'll say about that.

Again, my goal is to run the half in 1:45. My PR is 1:48. Join me in two weeks for an assessment, we can make the decision then. Sound good? I'll bring the coffee.

In the meantime I have a few races planned for the next few months, including another half and a few 5K's. I'll start posting my weekly workouts again as well. This week will be partial though, since we obviously haven't hit the weekend yet.

Week Two Training:
Monday - 4 Miles Easy
Tuesday - 20 Minute Spin, 30 Minute Total Body Weights and Abs
Wednesday - 5 Mile Tempo w/ 3 @ 7:53 (loved it! nailed it!)
Thursday - 3 Miles Easy, 20 Minute Total Body Weights and Abs
Friday - 30 Minute Spin, 30 Minute Total Body Weights and Abs (planned)
Saturday - 1.5 Hour Hot Yoga (planned and followed by the best--and fattiest--mocha in the world)
Sunday - 8 Miles Long Run (planned)

best part of my day. masterpiece.

*meggers and i displaying our work. like we MEAN it.*

We created our own painted masterpieces this weekend, some friends and our significant others. I will be bold and say that was the most fun you could have wielding a paintbrush in one hand, and wine in another. Since I am a nerd, I consider it an insane amount of fun to go to painting classes and drink wine with fellow nerd-friends on Saturday nights.... it's how I roll.

That is all.